Update on being stealth abroad:
Well, as I wrote before, I’ve continued to not disclose information about being trans to my WWOOFing hosts or, except for a few instances, to my fellow WWOOFers for the same reasons as before.
All told, it’s been mostly uneventful (except for one incident that I recount below) despite the relatively little effort that I put into being stealth. For one, I don’t bind (use a frog bra –I’m a B/C cup so it’s definitely noticeable if you look closely but doesn’t really stand out enough to warrant inspection). I do make an effort to wear loose fitting clothing and dark colors though. I don’t make any effort to conform to stereotypical masculine behaviors beyond what I naturally do, nor do I hide my active interest/involvement in the LGBT community or in the women’s rights movement. I allude to being in a special category when conversations about human rights, religion, politics, etc. come up. Like I might say, “Well, I would go to visit China but some people there want to make people like me illegal so it’s not on the top of my list” and if pressed for a definition of “people like me” I usually just shrug and grunt or say something like “I’m just special like that.”
A little piece of me flexes in anticipation every time I mention playing rugby in college, thinking that certainly the idea of a 5′5” 140 lbs guy playing flanker (the equivalent of a tight end in football I believe –basically it’s one of the more badass positions where you need to be big and/or strong) or even playing rugby at all (or basketball, which I also played) will require further explanation but nope, never once. I brought my own work gloves, half-thinking it would be a good idea because maybe my small hands would “give me away” but I’ve had to borrow galoshes at every place I’ve been with no problem beyond the occasional “wow, your feet are smaller than my 11 year old daughter’s” (I wear a men’s size 5) comment. One heart stopping moment, I was even walked in on stark naked by one of the children. I still don’t know what happened with that one to be honest. I was sure I would have some explaining to do there as the child was old enough to know the difference and got a long look as she refused to close the door at first when I asked her to but it didn’t seem to phase her and I never heard a word about it after that beyond an apology by the parents on her behalf.
I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that people are mostly unobservant about those types of things if they don’t feel they have a reason to be and even if they do observe something that arouses some suspicion, transgenderism is going to be the last thing on their minds, if they even know what it is in thee first place.
The hardest part, by far, for me has been feeling unsure of how to respond to negative comments and/or generalizations about women and transpeople. The comments about women happen frequently and I have no problem responding as a feminist and stating my opinion on whatever it is in regards to being concerned about remaining stealth, but it’s difficult for me because I’m still dealing with my own issues concerning those things. Like if someone says something like “girls are so emotional” I feel myself torn. My belief in feminism leads me to want to disagree or at least add a qualifier but my personal experiences as a man lead me towards wanting to chuckle in acknowledgement. And on top of that, I think, well I was (or was not) that way when I was living as a woman, does that count as anecdotal evidence or not? So I definitely sometimes feel a bit of turmoil when those types of things come up but I feel that anyway usually, being stealth just makes me wonder if they would think I was trying to deceive them if I do/say one thing or another and then later they find out about my being trans.
As far as negative comments/generalizations about trans people, that’s only happened once but it was absolutely devastating to me at the time and my worst trans experience while traveling so far. It definitely wasn’t even that bad really, I guess I was just feeling so confident and comfortable after months of successfully living stealth that it really stunned me. For anyone who might be interested in what happened, to make a long story short, while joking and watching this effeminate man dancing horribly with one of my fellow WWOOFers, he made a comment to the effect of “I think this guy wants to be a girl or something,” to which I replied, while laughing “well, there’s nothing wrong with that.” He responded by saying he didn’t agree and when I asked why, he said “well if you are one, I won’t be like pissed off, but I don’t think it’s right in the head. It’s just…not right.” Maybe it was what I perceived to be the tone of disgust in his voice, or the fact that I was high at the time, or the fact that I had felt so comfortable with him and sure he would be cool with it that I had almost come out to him randomly a few hours before that, but I was so shocked and hurt I couldn’t manage to say anything but “ok” in response and if I would have been able to (thanks testosterone), I would have probably started crying. I spent the next couple days in turmoil about whether it was better to stand up for myself and the trans community and not let him get away with such a blatantly ignorant comment or whether I should be prudent and protect my own privacy and emotional vulnerability in the face of an opinion that was likely set in stone for the moment in a place that was 5 miles from the nearest road with no phone and no internet. I ultimately decided to just continue on as before and not hold it against him because I felt it was based on lack of exposure and ignorance rather than malice or hatred that led him to feel that way and resolved to call him out on it if the subject came up again, which it didn’t.
So that situation definitely did lead me to question some of the merits of traveling stealth but I still feel the way I did before, just maybe with a bit less naivite. It’s certainly the case that not everyone is going to be ok with it but that was something that I knew before. It always feels nicer when you know where you stand with people ahead of time but for me, it’s still not worth that in exchange for having to be a trans representative and go into intimate details of my life for several new people every couple weeks. I don’t know if I’m wrong to continue going on believing that things will be fine and most people will behave decently if it comes to that but that’s how I feel and that’s how I would like to feel until proven wrong so that’s that for now I guess.
