Feeling perplexed and hypocritical; so this morning in the shower the
image of this kid I knew from kindergarten through 5th grade, Andrew
Kirk, popped into my head. If I remember correctly, Andrew and I
were really good friends between kindergarten and 3rdish grade. I
don't remember what happened, but he became a bully to me. Not
physical, but mental. He could always find that button to make me
feel like shit. Andrew moved away after 5th grade. He even
came back to visit some of my other friends in 8th grade and still made
me feel like shit when I saw him. I would guess most people
probably have someone like Andrew in their past. My dilemma is
that he moved away and I have nothing good to associate with him in my
head; I have nothing to credit him beyond the actions of a 12 year
old. When he randomly popped into my head this morning, I still
had the angry and bitter feelings I had from 10+ years ago. I
have a problem with feeling like this. In 10 years, I'm sure he
has become a great guy (?) or at least a better person. Hell,
most people are an ass in some capacity when they are in junior
high... I'm usually not a bitter person and I think Andrew should
get some sort of chance in my mind. But it bothers me that I
don't want to give him that chance. I don't feel a resolution
coming to these thoughts... argh.
I also feel like I have totally given the short end of the stick, even
before the tree fell, to Paul DiMilla. I was so wrapped up in
having him fulfill what everybody said negatively about him, that when
he seemed to fit that profile on most things, I just threw his
credibility out of my mind. I think I'm going to give him
more of a chance and try to look past some of the negative things that
*do* exist. I'm in the middle of doing my work I missed for his
class and he has taken quite a bit of time to make it easy for someone
to follow the class through the class website. Class notes, of
which he uses handwritten copies during class, are typed out to a
length usually exceeding 17 pages including complicated equations which
can't be simple to input (microsoft equation takes time!). I also
have a new respect for his math abilities. I'm not certain yet,
and I haven't seen it in person, but I'm frankly amazed through his
notes if he does indeed write the math explanations. A handout on
dedimensionalization that Jake gave me yesterday was, though I didn't
and still dont' fully understand it, well written. I have a gut
feeling he could whip out any of this math and tackle a problem.
I wish he could teach to the level of his abilities... I want to
learn this from him. I'm not trying to be wishy washy here
either. He has clearly shown in class that he has some work to do
on the "being a good teacher" front. But I have been too
distracted by that. Can I make class a better use of my time now
that I think like this?
So I guess it really has been a long time since I blogged seriously
about things I haven't discussed with anyone. Olin is making me
miserable and lost right now for many reasons. There are a few
good things and a couple handfulls of great people here, but I've been
lost. It's very cliche, but I've really had a hard time adjusting
since I returned from Switzerland. It probably is, to some
extent, the whole difference between European and American cultures
etc. (I know that's gag-me-with-a-spoon level cliche-ness) but at a
deeper level I feel trapped at Olin. While I was abroad, I
fulfilled every hope of independence I had wanted going into the
experience. Yes, I went to class and did research etc., but I had
a life beyond those two things. I came home at the end of the day
and often spent two hours cooking my dinner. Cooking became a
passion. I had some work to do, but it wasn't suffocating, not by
a long shot. I had time to decide what was valuble to my free
time, what things I should explore. My friends there became a
daily extension of who I was, much more so than even some of the
longer-standing friendships I have at Olin. We had *time* to get
to know eachother (why the hell does all of this sound so fucking
shallow...). I made some of the best friends of my life, and it
was only 6 months. Why doesn't that happen at Olin? Is it
because I always have a todo list that is longer than the amount of
hours I can be awake and still be healthy? Will I get more out of
life by thinking this is a good thing, to be busy and "productive",
while my emotional landscape is evaporating? What bothers me more
is I think I see good friendships around me here. I frequently
see people exchange non-verbal communication in a way that makes me
know they have become great friends, despite the lifestyle here.
What am I missing?
On a lighter note, I have three things to look forward to. First,
I am starting 6 weeks of Trapeze lessons this Thursday
(boston.trapezeschool.com). I'm so pumped! Second, I'm
going to become a Big Brother. I have my interview with a social
worker coming up soon. Third, I have my cello back.
Although I haven't played it everyday since I have had it back here,
just being around it, having to move it all the time becuase it's a big
nussance and doesn't fit anywhere in my room, makes me smile like being
around one's dog again at home.
I got a great comment from a classmate evaluation summary about my
presentations in biophysics. It made me smile in a good way: "...
Mostly, though, if Jay's presentations get better, it will be because
his general flirting/interpersonal skills are improving,
content-wise he does a pretty good job."
Can anybody tell me why all the shower curtains were in the foot shower this morning? :)